Walking in the Morning Rain
by detective-sweetheart
Summary: post ep for Doubt...Kathy's thoughts at three in the morning as she tries to come to terms with what she's done.


The rain falls in torrents, but she finds that she does not care. Moving from the sheltered area of her mother's front porch, she soon finds herself completely soaked; but her current state means nothing to her: she continues to walk, with no real specific destination in mind. A look at her watch tells her that it is near to three in the morning, but she doesn't care. Time doesn't really mean anything either…at least, not at this point.

Not when the past twelve years have passed by in an almost unidentifiable blur. She continues to walk and the rain continues to fall. A cold will probably come along later, but she doesn't care about that either. She can't think in her mother's house…hasn't been able to think there since Maureen, nearly twenty-one years ago. And it's mostly because of the criticism…or at least, that's what it normally is. Now it is the harsh glares she's been getting from her children ever since they left.

It hurts. She wonders as the rain calms momentarily whether or not it is possible for the four of them to stop loving her. The thought scares the hell out of her. But whatever anger her children are feeling, although not misplaced, is nothing compared to her loneliness. She is angry with herself for not understanding, and she is upset because even if she wanted to, she would not be able. And she _has_ tried. The past twelve years have been a struggle on her part, a time of nothing but waiting to be let in, something that would never happen. Enough has finally become enough. She wants to stay, but she is not sure that her heart would be able to take it.

The rain picks up again. The little voice in the back of her mind is telling her to turn around and go home, but these days, she isn't sure of exactly where _home_ is. So she ignores it. Looking up at the cloud-filled sky, Kathy realizes that she is not sure of anything, really. Her heart is still on the other side of Queens, with that stubborn, hot-headed detective she fell in love with all those years ago. But her mind is here. For once, logic has overruled her emotions. She knows that their marriage has slowly become almost nonexistent, but she still can't help but want to hold on. And she wonders how long that feeling will last.

She muses for a moment that if he would talk to her, it wouldn't have come to this. But it is not entirely Elliot's fault, and she knows it. Communication is key and it goes both ways: maybe if she'd been willing to listen…No. She knows him better than that; even if she'd listened, he wouldn't have said anything. But even if it wasn't about the job, something…hell, anything, would have done.

At this point Kathy realizes that their lack of communication has caused them to grow apart, and that is why she left. It isn't because she hates him; she could never do that. He has given her everything that she could have wanted, and maybe even more. Hate is not an issue. Animosity, maybe, temporarily, but never hate. She wonders momentarily as she continues on her path if they will ever sit down and work things out. She doesn't want to go another level and take it to a divorce, but if the time comes and she has to, she will.

The playground is silent and empty, the equipment, new and old, dripping wet as the rain calms again, this time tapering off into a quiet drizzle. She reaches the swings and touches the metal chains liking it to the main frame. The material is cold to her touch. Water has puddled on the seat and as she looks at it, she feels a tug that she has not felt in years. Figuring that she is soaking already, she sits and starts to rock back and forth, rising slowly, higher and higher. And for a moment, all her adult troubles and worries disappear. Suddenly it feels as if she is above the world and nothing can touch her. Gripping the chains so hard that her knuckles turn white, Kathy allows herself to lean back, her eyes sliding closed as a faint smile crosses her face.

And for a few fleeting moments, she is no longer herself, but someone else.

A/N: Like I've said so many times before, LOSVU is not mine and never will be, no matter how hard I wish when I blow out the candles...


End file.
